It's a question I hear often, delivered with a mix of genuine concern and perhaps a touch of pity: "Do you get lonely?" As a widower, it's an understandable query, one rooted in our societal tendency to equate companionship with contentment, and solitude with sadness.
And my answer, perhaps
surprisingly to some, is a resounding "No."
Now, that's not to say I don't,
from time to time, feel a pang. There are moments when I miss the unique
intimacy, the shared routines, the quiet companionship that being part of a
couple brings. I miss the spontaneous touch, the knowing glance, the ease of
having another person navigating life beside me. These feelings are real, a
natural echo of a deep connection that once was.
But these moments are fleeting,
and crucially, they don't define my everyday existence.
When those familiar feelings
surface, I don't dwell. Instead, I turn to my truest companions: Nature and
exploration. Long, solitary walks through the woods, where the rustle of leaves
and the song of birds fill the silence, always ground me. Gliding across the
water in my kayak, the rhythm of the paddle and the vastness of the lake,
reminds me of the sheer beauty in the world. Or I plan an excursion to an
interesting historical site, a new town, a vibrant museum – places that spark
curiosity and awaken a sense of wonder.
These activities don't just
distract me; they replenish me. They fill me with a sense of peace,
self-reliance, and connection – not with another person, but with the world
itself. They are my anchors, pulling me back to a place of fullness and
gratitude.
And this leads me to a crucial
realisation, one I believe is important for anyone navigating singleness,
especially after a significant loss:
Feeling "fed
up" or "lonely" at times is simply not a basis for seeking a new
relationship.
It's a powerful statement,
perhaps even counterintuitive in a society that often equates romantic
partnership with ultimate happiness. But consider the foundation you'd be
building. A relationship born out of a desire to fill a void, to escape an uncomfortable feeling, rather than a
genuine connection, a shared vision, or an overflowing heart, is likely to
crumble under the weight of those unmet expectations.
A new partner isn't a band-aid
for your solitude; they are a unique individual with their own needs and
desires, entering into a reciprocal journey. True contentment, I've learned,
must first come from within. It stems from discovering what truly nourishes
your soul, what sparks your curiosity, what brings you joy independently.
So, the next time you find
yourself wrestling with moments of solitude, ask yourself: Am I genuinely ready
for a reciprocal partnership, or am I just looking for an external solution to
an internal discomfort?
For me, the answer to "Are you lonely?" remains no, because my life is full–full of the quiet majesty of nature, the thrill of discovery, and the profound peace of knowing I am whole, just as I am. And that, I believe, is the best possible ground from which any future connection might beautifully grow.
The
Loneliness Trap: Why Feeling Fed Up Isn't a Foundation for Lasting Love
We've all been there. That
deep, pervasive ache of loneliness that settles in after a long week, a quiet
evening, or another social gathering where everyone else seems to have
"their person." It's a feeling that gnaws at you, sometimes accompanied
by a general sense of being utterly "fed up" – with being single,
with dating apps, with the perceived unfairness of it all.
And in those moments, it's
temptingly easy to believe that the solution is simple: find a relationship.
Start dating. Anyone.
Just to fill the void, to quiet the ache, to make the "fed up"
feeling go away.
But here's a crucial truth, one
that's hard to hear but vital for your long-term happiness: Feeling fed up and lonely is not a basis
for seeking a relationship.
Let's break down why.
The
Emptiness You're Trying to Fill
When loneliness and frustration
are the primary drivers, a new relationship becomes less about genuine
connection and more about a desperate attempt to fill an internal void. You're
not looking for a partner to share your life with; you're looking for someone
to complete you,
to eradicate your negative feelings, to be your personal happiness dispenser.
This isn't fair to you, and
it's certainly not fair to any potential partner.
The
Pressure Cooker of Expectation
Entering a relationship from a
place of desperation puts immense, often unspoken, pressure on both parties.
- On
you: You'll likely overlook red
flags, settle for less than you deserve, or mould yourself into what you
think someone else wants, just to maintain the connection. Your focus
shifts from "is this person right for
me?" to "is this person better than being
alone?"
- On
them: They're unknowingly tasked
with being your emotional saviour. No single individual can bear the weight
of someone else's entire happiness or fill every emotional void. This
creates an unhealthy dynamic, fostering codependency rather than genuine
interdependence.
You're
Seeking an Escape, Not a Partner
A relationship born of
loneliness often becomes an escape hatch from uncomfortable feelings. It's a
distraction, a temporary balm, rather than a conscious choice to build
something meaningful and sustainable. When the initial honeymoon phase fades,
and those underlying feelings of loneliness or dissatisfaction creep back in
(as they inevitably will, because the relationship isn't the cause of them), you're left
feeling even more empty and disheartened.
You haven't chosen someone
because they align with your values, make you laugh genuinely, support your
dreams, or spark your soul. You've chosen them to avoid sitting with yourself.
So,
What Should Be the
Basis?
A healthy, thriving
relationship is built on a foundation of self-awareness,
self-love, and a well-lived individual life. It's about two
individuals who are relatively content on their own, choosing to add to each other's lives,
rather than seeking someone to complete
them.
It comes from a place of:
- Genuine
interest: You're curious about who they
are, not just what they can do for you.
- Shared
values: You want to build a life with
someone who sees the world in a similar way and wants similar things.
- Mutual
respect & admiration: You appreciate them for who
they are, flaws and all.
- A
desire to share: You have joy, passions, and
experiences you want to share, not just voids you need filled.
What
Can You Do Instead?
If you're feeling fed up and
lonely right now, please know that those feelings are valid and human. But
instead of rushing into a relationship, consider taking a different path:
- Acknowledge
& Sit with Your Feelings: Don't run
from loneliness. Understand it. What is it telling you? Is it a longing
for connection, or a deeper need for self-understanding?
- Invest
in Yourself: This isn't a cliché; it's
essential. Rediscover hobbies, learn a new skill, focus on your career, and travel. Build a life that excites and fulfils you, independently.
- Strengthen
Existing Connections: Nurture your friendships and
family relationships. These connections are crucial for combating loneliness and establishing a robust support system.
- Embrace
Solitude: Learn to enjoy your own
company. Find peace in quiet moments. This builds resilience and
self-reliance.
- Seek
Professional Help: If loneliness feels
overwhelming or persistent, a therapist can provide tools and strategies
to navigate these feelings and uncover their roots.
- Clarify
Your Desires: When you're not desperate, you
can clearly define what you truly seek in a partner. This helps you
identify genuine compatibility when it arises.
The most profound and lasting
relationships blossom when you're coming from a place of strength and
wholeness, not of hunger and emptiness. Take a deep breath. Be kind to
yourself. Focus on building the most amazing life for you.
When you do, you'll be amazed
at the kind of healthy, joyful love you'll attract. It will be born of
connection, not desperation. And that, dear reader, is a foundation worth
building on.
What are your thoughts? Have you ever fallen into the "loneliness trap"? Share your experiences and advice in the comments below!
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